I have to meet my caseworker to fill out more paperwork at 9:30 am and I am not sleepy. Instead of getting into my bed and attempting to wind down I have just been watching mindless after party television on the E! network along with bits and pieces of Dirty Jobs. I have also eaten a bowl full of melted chocolate with girl scout cookies just for extra artery clogging fun. blugh, bored boring life. Made 150.00 at work tonight, which was pretty sweet. Altogether I made over 300.00 in the past 2 days. Better than some but less than others. I also work everyday until atleast wednesday (I have a possibility of having off Thursday, but than it's back to the grindstone Friday night). Hoping Kelly and Kelly will come up for a visit sometime this week. I miss my friends and boyfriend pretty much immediately after I return home.

On an unrelated note my cigarettes are MIA and I need to write something, it's been a while. Maybe I will add to my story... and than again maybe I won't. But one thing is for certain - I need to get to bed.

Not looking forward to working the closing shift tomorrow night. Oh please someone save me!

bland a thon 2008
me

Sometimes I just don't know how to look at myself every day and be OK with who I am.

I am so so sorry Ashlee.

I am going to stay home for a while because I feel it's all I can do.

I miss having a life. I miss being able to be me.

I feel purposeless. And I know it's because I am.

I miss the springtime so much. I miss march and april of last year and driving in the comfortable weather with all the windows down and a cigarette and a cup of something cold in the cup holder with nothing but the music and the wind in my hair and just feeling nice. Comfortable and nice. I miss sitting on the tops of rocks and smoking pot and just listening to the sound of the ground speak stories so pure and plain and perfect. I miss me and him and I miss me and her, and I miss all of us gathering around for bumpers. I really miss that, I don't know why. I miss how easy it was. I miss how good it all sounded, and how better if felt. I miss my feet in the stream and pictures in the grass. Where hair starts and moss ends, I couldn't tell and didn't really care. I miss hiking up small paths and walking on railroad tracks. I miss driving and driving and driving. I miss Vermont and the smell in the air. I miss it all so much. And I know even though we are only a few days short of February, and just a month or two shy of march and april I want it now. I want it back. I would give anything to be right here, last year and get to do it all again. Bad times and good times. It was a blast. Before ties were broken and lies were spread like wildfire and the thing we three loved so dearly became the blamed reason for my supposed insanity. Can we have a redo. Can we take a step back from pricks and alcohol swabs to glass and straws and lay in the grass with a certain senor and a camel. And just let all the cool breeze just blow by.

I want it back. I miss the springtime.

Some people seem really creepy on the internet.
But my heart is to good to break their spirit.
Unless they try and talk to me more than once than it's on bitches.
They call me wasabi eyes.

Until the day I die.

And the canvas now has a vast sunset and purple/blue grass. Because the blankness was really just freaking me out.

Head under water
And you tell me
To breathe easy for awhile
The breathing gets harder
Even I know that
Made room for me
It's too soon to see
If I'm happy in your hands
I'm unusually hard to hold on to

EDIT: Scratch all of the shit. Where has the music gone? I'm thinking of a lyric... GO!

I hate exclamation points.